Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
two words: eviction party
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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