I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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