woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
