I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
