at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
