Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
