Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
