pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
