Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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