it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my sisters under your porch take her home
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
