I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
