I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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