to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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