i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
