WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
