god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
