In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
