all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
