I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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