38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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