I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
