hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
