Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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