So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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