Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
