Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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