I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
