i wish peter jackson would direct porn
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
