When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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