I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
