I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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