we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
