The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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