My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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