Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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