my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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