Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.