I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much