i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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