Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Sober January is a disaster.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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