Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
