you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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