She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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