Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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