just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
