someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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