is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
