plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
