Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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