I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He has the fingertips of a God
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
