I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
