It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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