Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
