Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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