Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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