I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
